The Chiefs really are the successors to the Tom Brady and Bill Belichick led Patriots dynasty. This team is as inevitable as it comes. Even though they are injured and have looked anything but exciting this year, here they sit at 5-0. They might not be the sexiest team this year, but they may have the seasoned talent in all the right places to pull off that elusive threepeat. I will never count this squad out, no matter how much I want to.

Minnesota Vikings: 5-0

No part of me took the Vikings seriously in the offseason. Though, I don’t think I was in the minority with that take. Sam Darnold being announced as the starter after rookie JJ McCarthy suffered a season ending injury prior to the season was not the most inspiring choice. Yet they have stayed consistently impressive through five games. It’s worth noting too that they aren’t just winning games, they are beating talented teams like the Texans, 49ers, and Packers. With the offensive talent this team has in their skill positions and their absolutely DOMINANT defense, it’s hard to imagine they won’t find their way in the playoffs come January.

Houston Texans: 5-1

The Texans laid some pretty spectacular ground work for themselves in a very improbable situation. People don’t really expect a rookie coach and rookie QB to be one of the most exciting teams in the NFL…and yet the Texans defied the odds. This year they leveled up their talent by adding Stefon Diggs and have seen a true superstar emerge in Nico Collins. They have done well thus far with the exception of one game against the Vikings. Up to this point it remains to be seen if the Texans are truly in the mix a tier 1 team or if they are just the top tier 2 team.

Just like the Texans, the Lions are still riding high on what they were able to accomplish last season. Dan Campbell and the boys don’t look like they are going anywhere soon. With Jameson Williams making more of an impact and Goff clicking into a new gear, this team is scarier than I could have imagined them being at this point in the season. Just ask the Cowboys.

We will see how they fair without star defenseman, Aiden Hutchinson, who suffered a nasty injury in their blow out win against Dallas. If they do well, we might need to start talking Super Bowl for this team.

The Ravens have always been the bridesmaid, but never the bride since Lamar Jackson brought his talents to Maryland. They are always a standout squad who can never quite make it to the big show. After an 0-2 start, it looked like more of the same from the purple and black. But just when you counted them out, these boys can rumbling back with something to prove. Lamar Jackson is performing better than ever, Derrick Henry shows no signs of slowing down, and their defense is a threat as always.

The NFL is more fun when the Ravens are good, let’s hope they keep this up. They might even be able to take down the Chiefs with this squad.

Green Bay Packers: 4-2

Jordan Love might be the most talented messy quarterback in the NFL. Does it help that he has four fantastic young receivers and a standout running back powering down the field with him on each drive? It does, but it’s also undeniable that Love has a serious manic energy in the pocket. This team is one of the best in the league when they play well and one of the sloppiest when they aren’t on their game. Regardless of what version shows up, the Packers are a thrilling must-watch team this year.

*Sigh* The Bills are still a good football team. Despite my thoughts and prayers that were willing them to suffer from the major losses this offseason, it seems like Josh Allen is able to captain a ship even through treacherous waters. It’s not perfect – this team is still an absolute mess in terms of coaching and Josh Allen’s willingness to constantly put his life at risk throwing the ball – but so far this team is looking like a threat in any game, no matter their opponent.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 4-2

This might be dramatic and there might be people outplaying him, but I’ll say it anyway: Baker Mayfield for MVP. How do I describe the joy I feel watching Baker being so successful after an entire career of shitty situations up to this point? It’s pure elation. This team is so much fun to watch this season. With Baker, Godwin, and Evans firing on all cylinders and an exciting new running back in Bucky Irving, I will make a point to watch their games every week.

The trouble is that no matter how well the offense performs, their defense keeps them in games. Thus far they have been able to keep up pretty well and continue to look – dare I say – elite. Will they be able to keep it up? That remains to be seen, but you bet your ass I will be firmly SAT until their season ends.

Unlike the Vikings, who I barely gave a thought to in the offseason, I was extremely excited about this Falcons team coming into September. The addition of Kirk Cousins is the perfect example of identifying a problem and fixing it. For years the Falcons have had the talent, but not the quarterback. Now they have it, so everything will work perfectly now…right?! Kind of.

Truthfully, Kirk is not 100% himself coming off an achilles tear last season. Truthfully, the team still puts Tyler Allgier in the game way more than I think they should. Truthfully, Kyle Pitts still seems like a ghost on that team. But it’s not all bad, Drake London has emerged as a powerhouse and the team is off to a good – albeit messy – start to the season. Let’s see if the pieces come together or if they fall apart over the next 12 weeks.

Chicago Bears: 4-2

For the first time in a long time the Chicago Bears are a competitive, exciting football team. We have seen glimpses of what this team is capable of over the years, but it looks like it took getting the number one overall pick in the draft to get them to where they needed to be. Caleb Williams has been solid in his first six NFL games. He is doing what he needs to do to support and lead his team. It hasn’t always been pretty and I wonder how long it will last, but the Bears have something cooking. I just don’t know if it will be done in time to be impactful for them this season.

Jayden Daniels is a bonafide STAR! In his first game as a Commander things looked rough, but thankfully it only took one week for Jayden to shake off the rookie jitters and become not only one of the best rookie QBs, but one of the league’s best QBs. I would venture to guess that no one on earth is happier about this development than one Terry McLaurin who has been one of the most untapped talents thus far in his career. Finally, he has someone who knows what the hell he is doing throwing him the ball. The pair have already linked up for four touchdowns so far this season, be prepared to see that number grow and grow.

The thing that keeps the Commanders from being in a tier above? I’ll be blunt: Their defense does not have what it takes to make them an elite team.

Pittsburgh Steelers: 4-2

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Justin Fields for making the Steelers a somewhat palatable offense this year. They are still boring, but goodness is it an improvement on recent years. While their defense remains one of the most impressive in the league, their offense still struggles to get back to the days of Ben Roethlisberger. Fields gets them a bit closer, but Russell Wilson will bring them right back down. I hope with everything in me that all roads lead back to Fields, I hope Tomlin is as smart as I think he is.

All this to say, I expect another 9-8 type season from this team.

Is it finally happening? Are the Chargers…good this year?! It feels like the pieces could be falling into place for this Los Angeles team. Herbert got shaken up – because some things never change – but has come back looking much better already. JK Dobbins has been a surprising ace-in-the-hole so far. The receivers are actually doing…alright and their defense is competitive.

I have rooted for this team for quite a while now and have been shocked at just how cursed this franchise seems to be. Jim Harbaugh may be the cure to this madness, let’s just hope his heart is up to the battle. It will not be easy for this team to fight against the football gods.

Unlike the rest of these teams where I am wondering how long their hot streak will last, I am here wondering how long the 49ers will be, well, let’s just call it like it is: mid. The answer to this shocking start might be as simple as the fact that this team is incredibly injured. McCaffrey has not played yet this year and that is just the start of their problems. Deebo, Kittle, and backup RB Jordan Mason have all missed time for injuries so far. Brandon Aiyuk started the season looking like he had completely forgotten how to catch a football – it’s almost like preseason and training camp are important! Shocking!

We have seen a team that usually comes out on top falling short thus far and it feels strange to witness. With a huge Super Bowl rematch coming up against the Chiefs, it already feels like the Niners season is on the line. I am intrigued to see how they show up against their always-gets-the-best-of-them rivals.

Philadelphia Eagles: 3-2

There are a lot of things the Patriots dynasty has in common with this new Chiefs dynasty growing in Kansas City. One of the similarities – the one that convinces me the Chiefs are here to stay – is that both these teams could break other their opponents in ways that take years to fix. The Patriots most notably broke the Falcons and Seahawks in ways that dramatically changed their franchises. The Chiefs, well, the Chiefs broke the Philadelphia Eagles. This team has everything it takes to be at the top of the league and yet they look like they are playing in mud all the time. It’s slow and sloppy and incredibly inconsistent. The drama surrounding their coach, Nick Siriani, can’t be much help.

Thankfully for them, they aren’t alone in this brokenness. All they need to do is look around their own division.

What the hell is happening to the Dallas Cowboys? They are falling apart before our eyes. In recent years the Cowboys have been the kings of the regular season who bring losing to a tragic new low each post-season when they can’t keep the magic up. This year it already looks like the playoff Cowboys are coming out onto the field each week. They are messy on offense, the chemistry is nonexistent. They are pathetic on defense, allowing an average of 28 points per game so far this season. The only teams worse than them are Carolina and Jacksonville who have combined for two wins so far on the season. Not great company!

It’s not good for the Cowboys and yet, I don’t see any dramatic changes coming from this team. If they can turn things around their audacious contracts for Dak and CeeDee won’t look so ridiculous, but I am not holding my breath.

Denver Broncos: 3-3

I can’t figure this team out. The only thing I know is that they have a really powerful defense. Everything else is mysterious and, quite frankly, boring to me. I can barely even say Bo Nix’s name without yawning – yes, I did just yawn whilst writing his name.

But with three wins under their belt I am worried that I am going to *gulp* have to pay attention to the Broncos this year. It’s a truly terrifying thought.

Joe Flacco is the thesis statement on the importance of backup quarterbacks in the modern NFL. When your second-year quarterback – who was injured for the majority of last season if you remember – throws his body around like Josh Allen and gets hurt nearly every time he is mobile, you need the comfort of knowing you have a competent back-up behind him. Enter: Joe Flacco who might just fuck around and bring teams to the playoffs in back-to-back years as a backup. I might have to start calling him “elite” unironically.

Seattle Seahawks: 3-3

Ever since Russell Wilson left the Seahawks the team has been so much more palatable for me. I can finally enjoy the undeniable talent of DK Metcalf and get to bask in the comeback of Geno Smith. They are a fun team, the trouble is just that they are also an inconsistent team. If their defense picks it up and they stay exciting on offensive, there could be something lurking in Seattle – especially since their division is wildly underperforming this year. I won’t write them off, they are still a threat and could win any given Sunday.

There is nothing much to say about this team except that they have a switch that they can flip to become one of the most dynamic and exciting teams in the league. They just seem to misplace this switch a lot and can’t keep the energy going. Much like the Seahawks, they aren’t consistent enough to take seriously, but have the opportunity for some great upsets.

New York Giants: 2-4

I probably trust the Giants less than any team in the NFL. At least I know bad teams are bad, the Giants always seem to have a game or two a year where they look like they finally ironed out all their kinks and figured it out. Alas, they never do. Perhaps the worst thing that could have happened to my relationship with this team is singularly the greatest thing to happen to the Giants in years: Malik Nabers. This kid is so unbelievably talented and already the reliable target that Jones has never had. How am I supposed to figure this team out with this kid on their roster?! It’s the kind of ambiguity that leaves me unsure what will happen each time they play.

Unless they wear those horrific throwbacks. That is an automatic L right there.

The Saints were a tier one team after week two, but unfortunately for them the season is made up of eighteen weeks. It’s quite literally all downhill from there, as the team has subsequently lost four straight after their hot start. Injuries surely haven’t helped, but the situation was already on a downward trajectory before Spencer Rattler took over at center.

In my opinion – and I know this won’t be a popular one – the Saints have the most potential out of this group to rise up the tiers and reclaim their season this year. Their division is very good, so that isn’t helpful, but if Derek Carr and Chris Olave can get healthy? I can see things trending positively for this team again.

New York Jets: 2-4

With the Patriots being what they have been in recent years, I have looked for joy elsewhere in the league. Even though it feels icky to write it out, the pain and misses of the Jets bring me so much joy. Coming into this season I was terrified that the drama would end and they would be good, but thankfully God still smiles upon me in the form of Jets consistent dysfunction.

Toxic Aaron Rodgers, a coach fired before midseason, underperforming superstars, and the hope that nearly 32-year-old Davante Adams will come in and solve all their problems? Get me some popcorn, because this shit is keeping me entertained.

While the Jets misery brings me joy, the Dolphins situation brings only pity out of me.

What happened to Tua is devastating, I won’t try to take anything away from that. Having to watch this poor boy get yet another concussion on primetime was incredibly upsetting. Yet the Dolphins continue to be the poster children of what is wrong with the NFL. If you have a very talented, but injury-prone Quarterback who is always one bad hit away from an early retirement, why on earth would you not go out and find a qualified back-up quarterback. When Tua has gotten injured, the Dolphins panic as if they had no idea this was a possibility. Their lack of planning – especially in comparison to the Colts and Packers who have succeeded in this regard right along side them – is jarring to watch.

What’s more jarring might be seeing a talented roster of players look mediocre. I don’t know if it’s coaching or the organization to blame, but there is something wrong in Miami and it has nothing to do with Tua.

Tennessee Titans: 1-4

When DeAndre Hopkins decided to go to the Titans over the Patriots I was very upset. It truly wouldn’t have mattered where he went, I would have disappointed regardless, but there was something especially stinging about going to Tennessee. This team is boring as hell. Nothing they do impresses me. Oh wait sorry, that’s not true: the audacity of Will Leviss is incredibly impressive.

This team is stalled and boring and forgettable. I don’t have much to say about them.

Right alongside the Dolphins this year in injury hell are the Los Angeles Rams. Unlike the Fins, they have suffered numerous personnel losses in the form of their number one and number two receivers, Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua. All things considered, the Rams haven’t looked all that bad. The trouble is they aren’t winning games.

I expect they will crawl out of this low tier into something more impressive once they heal up, but it will take a lot of effort to be competitive after starting 1-4.

Las Vegas Raiders: 2-4

Poor Maxx Crosby. How awful must it be to be the sole bright spot on an otherwise terrible team? I ask him this now because up until this point he has at least had Davante Adams on the offense to carry some of the weight of greatness amongst the plebeians. But now he is alone in his prowess and I feel for him.

It’s crazy to think that Adams wanted to go to the Raiders to join his college buddy Derek Carr, only for Carr to be sent to the Saints and Devante to be stranded in the desert. Life comes at you fast, just ask a Raiders fan.

I can’t explain this one. Everything about the Jaguars says they should be good. It wasn’t that long ago that this team epically came back to beat the Chargers in one of the more exciting Wildcard Weekend games in recent memory. Yet here we are with a 1-5, terrible looking Jaguars team. Many, myself included, thought Urban Meyer was the poison on this team and that by ridding themselves of him they would be cured. However, that only seems to have delayed the demons of this franchise from returning. Now Doug Pederson is on the hot seat – not just by the public for his coaching, but by me for his visors – and speculation is swirling about Lawrence being a bust. The vibes really couldn’t be worse for this team.

New England Patriots: 1-5

I would like to humble myself to all of you who have read this far to tell you that this Patriots season is a wash. We have looked painfully bad, we lack the talent to make any real impact, and we are rebuilding.

The only trouble is that Drake Maye’s first start against the Texans gave me hope. We might have lost, but Maye threw more touchdown passes that Jacoby Brissett did during the first five games. Pair this with the fact that the Jets and Dolphins look really messy so far and you get a twinkle of hope. It is surely this hope that will make for an emotional, disappointing end to a season where we weren’t supposed to do anything but build for the future. Damn you, hope!

This team is honestly an affront to the game of football. It’s like the torture scene in A Clockwork Orange watching them stride out onto the field with [REDACTED] at Quarterback every week.

But this team is also a weirdly beautiful example of what happens when you make a deal with the devil. Want to guarantee a known sexual assailant more money than any QB in the history of the league? Fine, but just be prepared for the fact that he might suck at football now and choosing to play him out of guilt for the amount of money you paid for him will singlehandedly ruin the morale for your team and potentially the city of Cleveland.